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nonpolitical thoughts while watching election coverage

Updated in almost real time and posted at bedtime. Many will be blogging about the election. I will be blogging about everything but the election. Because you don’t want to hear my partisanship any more than I want to hear yours.

A Christmas Commercial with Andy Williams singing “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”? Really?? It’s November 2. Please, please at least wait until Black Friday. I love Christmas, but I keep my ridiculous enthusiasm at bay until then.

Which would be a better drinking game: a sip for every seat gained by Republicans, or a beer for the first 40 and then another for every 10 beyond that?

The Chairman from Iron Chef America should announce these results. It would make them so much cooler. In fact, he should announce pretty much everything. Except hockey games.

This would be a good time to cook something. Something escarole-centric.

Do… do I see this correctly? A ten-year Florida Recount Reunion Dinner? Is this the political equivalent of an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party? Why the hell would you do that?

I should write down the story of the Austrian violinist dressed in a Mozart costume at St. Stephen’s. Best pick-up lines ever.

Here’s the thing, Deep Blue Something. You may have written one of my all-time favorite songs of the 90s, but a movie is not something on which to base (or save) a relationship. I’m just saying. I’m sorry.

“You all everybody…”

So now Sarah Palin’s gonna have a reality series on TLC? Well if that’s how it’s gonna be, here’s the deal: TLC, I want you to put me on What Not To Wear right now. Without delay. If anyone can get a reality series that nobody’s gonna watch, and if you keep producing reality shows nobody wants to watch, I demand you put me on the one that is actually any good. You don’t have to make up a new show for me, and you won’t have to care nobody knows who I am. All I want is new clothes. That’s it. Okay?

A candidate named Krystal Ball? Really?

They’re not telling me any new information. My sleep is now more important than this election coverage.


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tallahassee, there’s a log in your eye

I have my radio on as I’m driving today. I’m digging some Third Eye Blind. I’m heading north on Blair Stone, approaching Park. I see fog ahead. Fog? at 3pm? It’s 95 degrees outside. Maybe it’s smoke. I get closer to the intersection and I see it’s mist. Tallahassee is watering their medians. The sprinklers are on the medians, shooting vaguely toward the medians, but are also sending about half their spray out into the street. In addition, they’re spraying at about a 60 degree angle into the air. The water is evaporating before it gets back down to the median, causing the mist. I drive through some of the spray. By the time I went to hit my windshield wipers, it had already evaporated completely. And any good gardener can tell you that water that hits your plants in the middle of the day will burn them, much the way a sunburn burns you.

I head up the bridge toward Tennessee. A commercial comes on from the City of Tallahassee Utilities – a commercial explaining how to conserve water, energy, and money in the summer. First point: water your plants in the early morning or late evening so it doesn’t all evaporate. Second: make sure your sprinklers are pointed at your plants, not your driveway, so you’re not wasting water.

I remember I have to pay my utility bill when I get home. I open the envelope. And as usual, in their envelope I have the statement itself, a return envelope, and three other printed pieces of literature explaining to me the importance of recycling. The same three I get every week. I pay my bill online.

Tallahassee, I uh, I think there’s something in your eye. It looks like a log. Just sayin’.

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