Tag Archives: lovely ladies

hormones suck

Back in the day I was hanging out with a male friend of mine. I warned him flat out that I was PMSing and might be a little irritated or short with him, so I apologize in advance. This ensued:

“Can’t you control it?”
“No, because it’s a flood of chemicals that completely throws me off my game, changes my personality.”
“Well I’m sure other women have learned to control it, why can’t you?”
“…”

(Ladies, you will please admire my restraint at not castrating him. Thank you.)

However, now several years removed from the event, I realize that while some men are just insensitive jerks (as are some women, let’s be fair), some legitimately don’t understand why hormones can be a problem. So for the sake of education and understanding, I offer this comparison.

I wake you up at 4am, insult you personally (you’re fat, ugly, and stupid), push you around a bit, then force-feed you a pot and a half of coffee, all before 5am. Then I tell you to go about your day normally. You’re just entering the caffeine crash around noon when I force-feed you another pot while reminding you you’re a failure. This is a rough equivalent of PMS.

Granted, some would be able to handle it better than others, but none would be able to really go through the day like nothing happened. The caffeine would make you crazy, unstable, unable to concentrate, but still lucid enough to recognize that you aren’t yourself and cruelly unable to do anything about it. You’d be sleep-deprived, irritated, and probably have a really short fuse. It’s a very bad day.

Could you get used to it and learn to cope? Sure, but you only get the chance once a month. Hardly enough time to acclimatize. And besides, once you finally get used to being grouchy you discover you’re suddenly mopey instead. You’re always behind the curve. It’s a losing battle.

So gents, I understand that it’s annoying to deal with a lady friend* doped up on her own chemicals. But believe us, we hate it even more than you do. We don’t like to be like this. We are not really in control of ourselves. So when we warn you ahead of time, it’s because we care. We want you to understand that it’s nothing against you. Just try to bear with us, it doesn’t last long. If it’s really a problem and starts to damage your relationship, bring it up when hormones are not in play. (i.e. If she’s PMSing and you tell her to “stop being a f*cking bitch,” it’s not going to end well for either of you.) Figure out what’s best for both of you in that situation, etc. Be reasonable adults about it. You know the drill.

*Of course, this applies to women who you find reasonable (and pleasant) on a regular basis. If the woman in question drives you nuts to begin with, godspeed. I don’t know what to tell you.

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convince me to buy this

Today I had a lousy day, ending a lousy week. I don’t like to think back much further than that. Since the beach is too far away for convenience, I went and had myself some retail therapy at my favorite place: the MAC counter at Dillard’s.

I didn’t plan on buying anything, since I haven’t the past two times I went in and there’s really nothing out that I want right now. But it’s fun to window shop. And play with colors. And also I had $20 left on a gift card just in case.

So I was the only customer in there, and the girl who did my makeup the very first time (aww) was working. I decided to try some lipstick. I love gloss, but I’ve always had the mom-vibe about lipstick.

She found me a very nice pink that I will probably wear frequently. Then, feeling bold, I said, can I try a red? Like, Russian Red?

She got really excited. I put it on and she got even more excited. Then she gave my lips some definition with some liner. Then I saw what she was excited about:
Yes, my eyes really are that green, too.

Now folks, that’s just the red. There is nothing else on my face – no skincare products, no mascara, nothing. Holy crap, right?

The question is: Do I go back and buy the reds? I didn’t get them then and there because how often am I going to wear this? I mean of course it would be great on stage. Would I want to wear this in real life? I think I might. I would of course have to start whitening my teeth, but whatever. I’m going to give it a few days and sleep on it. What do you think?

/narcissism

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i’m getting a haircut tomorrow

I desperately need a haircut. My ponytail is starting to look like a legitimate horse’s tail. In fact, I don’t like that I have a ponytail in the first place. So I scheduled an appointment at Hair on Earth and hopefully it will be awesome.

Normally, when I go to Lisa (my stylist at home) I just trust her to do something fantastic, and she always has. She convinced me to try bangs for the first time in ten years. She helped me construct my favorite style ever – blonde and fire-engine red streaks. I love her. I don’t know the people I’m going to tomorrow, so I figure I should probably come up with something other than “eh, just do something cool.” So I came up with this:

1. No longer than shoulder-length.
2. Full bangs are out of the question.
3. I must be able to keep it out of my eyes easily.

Then I figured it would probably be helpful if I came up with something more specific. So I googled “hairstyles.” It came up with a lot of celebrities, high-fashion/high-maintainance, and spam. Not useful. So I tried “hairstyles for fine hair,” (because fine hair requires special treatment), which resulted in a lot more nonsense, a lot of styles that didn’t relate to fine hair at all, and a lot of contradictory statements written in disastrous grammar.

It also produced a link to finehair.com. A relatively professional website, compared to all the other ones dedicated to hair, it looked promising. I started browsing.

It appears to be one woman dedicated to working with fine hair. She developed and sells her own line of products. Her writing is pretty bad. She takes questions from The Public and answers them the best she can, nothing I haven’t heard before. I get bored of reading and head over to the photos section.

I’m expecting it to be a bunch of celebrities having nothing to do with fine hair (like on the front page), but no. These are actual customers. And they made me want to cancel my appointment tomorrow. Because if this is the revolution in fine hair, count me out.

I go for Long Hair styles first. (Please, please click these links and scroll to see the pictures. They make this whole post worth it.) These women… are all blonde. And these styles are universally unflattering. Moving onto Short Hair styles. Bunch of post-menopausal women with the traditional short, curly/wavy hair. And a man, for some reason. WOW, REVOLUTIONARY! I’VE NEVER SEEN AN OLDER WOMAN WITH HAIR LIKE THAT BEFORE!

Moving onto Curly styles. This was my favorite. I actually laughed. None of them actually have curly hair. One woman’s face is blurred out, and this girl looks like she woke up in 1993 on the Jurassic Park set during the tropical storm:
could her hair look any worse?

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I finish my laugh and skip Straight styles and head to Frizzy, because my hair does frizz! Nah, nothing interesting there. Just more middle-aged blondes.

Backing up to Straight styles even though my hair isn…HOLY SHIT! IT’S FRANZ LISZT! AND SHE’S A WOMAN!
I swear.

 

 

 

 

 

 
So if you believe in prayer, please pray for me tomorrow. Because unless it turns me into a legendary pianist, I don’t want to look like this.

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caution: animal crossing

I had been rehearsing all morning. I was wearing a zebra-striped shirt, jeans, black flats, carrying a large black bag. It got to be about 3pm and I needed lunch. I drove home. I decided to get ingredients for soup, because soup is always awesome. This called for a trip to the Fresh Market.

I wasn’t about to go grocery shopping with my giant black bag and all its contents (binder of vocal music, various other pieces, metronome, planner, etc), so I transferred the essentials (wallet, keys, phone) to my much more reasonably-sized giraffe-print fall bag and headed out the door.

You’ve probably spotted the problem already. Long before I did. I spotted it as I parked at Fresh Market. I was wearing zebra and giraffe print. Two bold animal prints. In white/dark brown. Enough to land me on What Not To Wear. I got a few odd looks. I thanked my lucky stars I didn’t also throw on my leopard-print flats. I would have looked like the Serengeti.

On the other hand, would getting on What Not To Wear be so bad? I’m guessing they’d let me keep maybe half my wardrobe and buy me the replacement. Because frankly I can’t afford to upgrade it myself. I would undertake that beating for a new wardrobe in a heartbeat. I’ve said it before: I will happily dress like a bum for two weeks to get a new wardrobe.

So, just as a warning, if you happen to see me dressed as the Serengeti, I’ve decided that free clothes are temporarily worth more than pride. Also, please take pictures and nominate me. Thank you.

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women in advertisements

This is one of the extremely rare occasions I find some materials, bang together a makeshift feminist soapbox, climb on it, and make noise.

It all started with a Centrum vitamin advertisement. It was a comparison set of ads: one for men, one for women. In the one for men, the announcer asked, “Should men take the same vitamins as women?” and the men, so rudely interrupted from their round of golf, indignantly answered, “Of course not!” In the other commercial, the announcer asked the women, “Should women take the same vitamins as men?” and the women (who I think were engaging in yoga or shopping or some other stereotypically woman-ish activity) replied, “You mean there’s a difference?” as if they’re complete uneducated and ill-informed idiots. Which, I assure you, we are not.

Tonight I see a commercial for 5-Hour Energy. Not the one I’ve seen before, with the annoying dude rolling around in an office chair being condescending. This one was just generally condescending to women. This woman comes in her front door carrying armloads of groceries (paper bagged, of course) complaining about how she never has any energy for her “first” job (presumably her “work” job) and then she has to come home and start her “second” job (being a mother). Meanwhile, several smallish children run by and either fall over or knock something over. She storms into the kitchen and plops down the groceries on the table, presumably leaving them for later – hopefully they won’t go bad by then? – or for the children to destroy. She talks about how her husband yammers on and on about 5-Hour Energy and how it’s sooo great. She opens a cupboard, which is surprisingly sparse for having at least 2 children in that size house. On the bottom shelf are probably 12 individual bottles of 5-Hour Energy. She pulls out a six-pack of them. She begins walking to the next room indignantly explaining how her husband was right. She ends up in the next room – where her husband is sitting on his duff reading the newspaper – and plops down next to him, whereupon he says, “I told you so.”

Please, please, dear advertisers. Women are not ill-educated. We are not pack-mules. We are not the domestic slave. We are no longer secondary to men. We have worked a long time to overcome this image. Please don’t portray women in the light of the 1950s. They were 60 years ago. For instance, if that were my husband who had thrown an “I told you so,” (which I assure you would never have happened in the first place), I would have told him to put down the paper, get off his lazy ass, discipline the children, and meanwhile make some damn dinner if he’s got so much spare time.

Please don’t condescend to me and insult my intelligence like this. And if any of you who produced this ad were women: SHAME ON YOU.

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