PAYMENT RECEIVED

MJ is getting calls from a scammer pretending to be her loan company. This is an actual conversation about it.

MJ
[loan company] always emails me
they never send reps to call
ive selected paperless communications
which means they email me and flag my account so when i log in, theres messages waiting
every time something changes
i get emails all the time
YOUR INTEREST RATE HAS CHANGED
YOUR PAYMENT HAS BEEN RECEIVED
WE SPILLED COFFEE ON ONE OF YOUR PAPERS
JOE FROM NEVADA JUST HAD A BABY GIRL
DAVE IN BILLING BOUGHT A NEW CAR

Me
IT’S RED
IT’S A HONDA

MJ
HE THINKS IT WILL HELP HIM GET THROUGH THE DIVORCE
WE DONT HAVE THE HEART TO TELL HIM HES STILL 46 WITH THREE KIDS

Me
JODI IN HR IS SCREWING PHIL IN MANAGEMENT
SAM’S NOT TOO HAPPY

MJ
EVEN THOUGH HE NEVER TOLD HER HE HAS A THING FOR HER
HE ASKED HER FOR COFFEE THAT ONE TIME, BUT SHE THOUGHT IT WAS BECAUSE HER DOG HAD JUST DIED AND HE WAS BEING NICE
PLUS, SHE WAS STILL DATING RICHARD AT THAT TIME

Me
IN FACT JODI IS KIND OF A WHORE AND SAM CAN TOTALLY DO BETTER

MJ
PAYMENT RECEIVED
NOT TO IMPLY THAT WE LIKE SAM THAT MUCH, SOMETIMES HE SKIPS OUT OF WORK UP TO 45 MINTUES EARLY AND THINKS WE DONT NOTICE
HE USED TO HAVE STEVE CLOCK OUT FOR HIM AT 5, BUT STEVE GOT TRANSFERRED TO BILLING

Me
BUT AT LEAST HE SAYS PLEASE AND THANK YOU AND HOLDS DOORS
WHICH IS MORE THAN YOU CAN SAY FOR ALAN

MJ
HE’S BEEN HERE 6 YEARS AND ALREADY 2 PEOPLE HAVE REQUESTED CUBICLE CHANGES BECAUSE THEY CANT STAND THE LEWD COMMENTS HE MAKES

Me
ALSO THE SMELL
HE BATHES IN AXE – YOU’D THINK HE’D AT LEAST PICK A GROWN UP SMELL

MJ
BARB HAD AN ASTHMA ATTACK FROM IT LAST THANKSGIVING

Me
AND BARB REALLY DIDN’T DESERVE THAT, SHE’S THE SWEETEST THING
EVEN THOUGH SHE’S GOT THE MOST ANNOYING NAME IN THE UNIVERSE

MJ
HER HUSBAND DIED LAST YEAR WHEN SHE WAS ABOUT TO RETIRE
BUT NOW SHE COMES IN BECAUSE SHE DOESNT WANT TO BE ALONE
ITS SO SAD

Me
WE’RE INVITING HER OVER FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR

MJ
AND HER SON, NICK. OR MAYBE ITS RICK. WE JUST SAID “AND YOUR SON” TO ELIMINATE AWKWARDNESS

Me
IT WON’T MATTER ANYWAY, HE’LL NEVER TELL US
HE’S ONE OF THOSE HUNCHBACK GANGLY TEENAGERS
WHO NEVER SAYS ANYTHING TO ANYBODY, YOU KNOW? AND YOU JUST WANT TO SAY TO HIM, POOR KID

MJ
WE THINK HE SNIFFS COOL WHIP CANISTERS

Me
GET A HAIRCUT, STAND UP STRAIGHT, AND SMILE ONCE IN A WHILE. YOU’LL BE FINE

MJ
BECAUSE WE HEAR BARB TALKING TO HER SISTER ON THE CELL AT LUNCH
BUT WE’RE NOT REALLY SURE IF SHE SAID HE SNIFFS THEM OR THAT HIS FRIEND DOES
SO WE WONT BRING IT UP

Me
POOR BARB, SHE DOESN’T DESERVE THIS. AND HER SISTER’S NAME IS NANCY. WHO THE HELL WERE HERE PARENTS? DID THEY JUST GO DOWN THE LIST OF WORST BABY NAMES EVER?

MJ
STEVE SAID THEY HAVE A BROTHER NAMED FRED
I MEAN, REALLY
PAYMENT RECEIVED

Me
AND FRED WOULDN’T BE SO BAD IF HIS MIDDLE NAME WEREN’T PERCY
I MEAN, REALLY. PERCY?

MJ
AND THATS THE SHORTENED VERSION. HIS FULL NAME IS FREDERICK PERCIVALD. WHO THE HELL SPELLS IT WITH A K

Me
YOUR INTEREST PAYMENT HAS DROPPED BY .03%. THANK YOU FOR USING AUTOMATIC ELECTRONIC DEBITING.

MJ
PLEASE NOTE: WE HAVE CHANGED THE DUE DATE OF MARCH’S LOAN TO ACCOMMODATE OUR YEARLY IRS AUDIT
YOUR DUE DATE IS NOW MARCH 21, 2011
I HEARD THAT RACHEL IS RECONCILING WITH HER CHEATING HUSBAND

Me
THAT ASSHOLE SHOULD FALL OFF A CLIFF AND DIE

MJ
HE CHEATED ON HE WITH AN 18 YEAR OLD NAMED “MITZI”

Me
SHE NEEDS TO MOVE ON WITH HER LIFE. JOEY WOULD LOVE TO HELP HER WITH THAT
AND EVERYONE KNOWS JOEY IS NOTHING BUT A GENTLEMAN

MJ
HES JUST A LITTLE SOCIALLY AWKWARD BECAUSE HE WAS HOMESCHOOLED AND WENT TO A CATHOLIC COLLEGE
BUT HES REALLY A GREAT GUY
WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT HE LOVES SNOWBOARDING? I KNOW I DIDNT

Me
PAYMENT RECEIVED

MJ
yep
seriously
thats what its like
if i was delinquent on a loan
theyd tell me before i was even delinquent
theyd tell me like 4 months in advance
DEAR MJ, OUR PSYCHICS HAVE REPORTED THAT YOU HAVE INDICATED FINANCIAL HARDSHIP IN AUGUST OF 2011 DUE TO “WATER PIPE FREEZE” IN YOUR BASEMENT. WE WOULD LIKE TO OFFER YOU THE EXTENDED REPAYMENT PLAN AS AN OPTION TO HELP YOU DURING YOUR DIFFICULTY
DEAR MJ, OUR PSYCHICS HAVE FORESEEN THE BIRTH OF YOUR SON IN FEBRUARY OF 2014. WE WOULD LIKE TO OFFER YOU THE OPTION OF “EARLY REPAYMENT” SO THAT WHEN THE TIME COMES, YOUR LOAN PAYMENT FOR THE MONTH OF FEBRUARY 2014 WILL BE RECEIVED BEFORE THE DUE DATE AND YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO WORRY

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